Good Rhymes

T’was a Morning on Metro

T’was a morning on Metro and our hero was nervous
He had come to expect Metro’s lackluster service.
A quick trip he desired from his home to his desk
Without facing a journey some might call Kafkaesque.
Our hero was injured, and he walked with a crutch.
And so soon found himself in the Metro’s cold clutch.
Out of service signs hung on the elevator with glue
Because only a permanent posting would do.
So he sat by the station, for a shuttle he waited
And he soon grew offended and exasperated.
Ignored by the staff, he felt helpless and trapped
By Metro’s indifference toward the handicapped.
The shuttle picked him up, but he was perplexed
At the long time it took to the stop that was next.
When he got to the station, his frustration erupted
For the service, it seemed, was so badly disrupted.
The trains weren’t coming, the platform was packing
As scant whispers warned of the feared single-tracking.
The passengers boiled in the summer’s full throes
With thirst in their throats, and sweat through their clothes.
They came through the station, like lambs to the slaughter
As Metro informed them they couldn’t drink water.
“No drinking!” was shouted, not a moment of lenience
Or respect for their customers, or a hint of convenience.
“Well, why?” they were asking. “We do not deserve this,
A system that’s broken, with horrible service!”
There was nowhere to go, they were rats stuck in cages,
“This is sick!” someone shouted, yelled another: “Outrageous!”
As the train soon approached, they all strained while standin’
And aggressively pushed toward the tracks with abandon
The train car was hot, the AC wouldn’t blast out
An elderly woman was the first one who passed out
As young, healthy folks, sat down in preferred seating
Our hero reached for his phone and started tweeting
He labeled the Metro a “broken down vessel”
And wrote to WMATA’s PR man, Dan Stessel
He then drank his water, he then got a ticket
He then told the officer where he could stick it.
Then delayed, he arrived, at his final destination
And climbed out at Dupont, a hot, crowded station
He soon grew confused, and then angry, then fed up
The escalators were out, there was no way to get up.
He was stuck on the platform with no way to the street
In the grasp of the crowd and the tension and heat.
“We must fix this!” he shouted, “Let’s get Metro unsucked!”
And he sat, hot and helpless, and totally f……

Armageddon - A Debate

My buddy Lauren and I engaged in a spirited debate this week about the movie Armageddon. She thinks it is a great movie. I beg to differ. Here are our thoughts, along with a cartoon I drew depicting the film. Enjoy. 

My argument

Lauren’s argument

The GOP New Hampshire Debate

In New Hampshire on Monday
The candidates gave us
A hint of the policies
They think will save us.

They dislike our President,
Hate our direction.
Oppose gays if it’ll
Help win the election.

So for the allegiance
Of voting red-staters
These GOP candidates
Stood as debaters.

Romney and Pawlenty
Governors two
Santorum and Cain
Have nothing else to do.

Bachmann and Paul
Are running from the House
Which Gingrich once did
When he left his sick spouse.

Pawlenty won’t win them
But he’ll surely bore ‘em
While trying to seem
As right-wing as Santorum.

Now Rick’s plans are righty
His policies frugal
Crazy things come up when you
Look him up on Google.

And Mitt won’t commit
He’ll flip flop til you force him
If he ever got sick
Speaker Newt would divorce him.

Herman Cain dislikes Muslims
But, um, wait - not all!
And still huffing and puffing
Is our old friend Ron Paul.

Michele Bachmann always
Has something to say
She once said the Lion King
Could turn your kid gay.

But she came across well
A new ring-wing sensation
She’d be a great leader
Of our (discrimi)nation.

Their words contain bullshit
Of epic proportions
They’re hateful toward gays
And those who have abortions.

They promote the bad plan
That Paul Ryan sold them
Newt thought it was awful
And he quickly told them.

But he changed his mind
When they forced him to flip flop
He seemed unnatural, like when
Michael Steele mentions hip hop.

Well, this is it friends
The Republican field
Jon Huntsman will join
The full lineup revealed.

They’ll gun for Obama
Say liberal means pagan
While promoting themselves
As disciples of Reagan.

So, will his country leave him?
Barack wants an answer!
No, his country’s not Gingrich,
And he doesn’t have cancer.

The Ballad of LeBron James

LeBron chose last summer
To do things the LeBron way
Took his talents to South Beach
Said goodbye to Delonte

He bolted Ohio
And invited derision
Sold Vitamin Water
And told his Decision.

Now two top-tier players
Had quickly joined forces
Broussard first reported
According to “sources”

The Heat were comprised
Of an unstellar mish-mosh
Who were joined by the Big Three
Of Bron, Wade and Chris Bosh

They were bullied by Paul Pierce,
And blocked by Amar’e.
But Bron never once paused
To say he was sorry.

LeBron bumped his coach
LeBron’s mom got arrested
LeBron was everything
But Delonte Wested.

There’s no I in team,
But LeBron said “mine, mine”
Turns out there are two I’s,
In receding hairline.

Unlike Bosh, they rebounded,
Raced toward the postseason
Claiming that chemistry
Was surely the reason.

They dispatched the Sixers,
And Boston soon followed.
And left hearts of Clevelanders
Heavy and hollowed.

And three after three
They rained down on Chicago
Who looked like Apollo
To Bron’s Ivan Drago.

But the Mavs wanted blood
And it wouldn’t be easy
They had to beat Miami,
Wade and LeBreezy.

And that’s after Kobe
And Roy and Durant
And the naysayers saying
That Dirk surely can’t.

The Heat struck first blood
And delivered the whammy
And Mark was the saddest
Cuban in Miami.

But Dirk went ballistic
Gave the Heat a behind kick,
And every fourth quarter
Bron needed the Heimlich.

His jumper was gone
His failure malignant
His drive was diminished
His demeanor indignant.
 
The Heat quickly splintered
And Wade chewed the King out
While Congressman Weiner
Watched the game with his thing out.

Well, soon it was over
And Dirk earned his ring
Became the latest German
To conquer a king.

The Heat’s season ended
Now here comes the lockout
And poor, old Greg Oden
Watched the game while feeling poorly about the lockout.

Now what was to blame
For Miami’s demise?
Was it Bosh, Wade, and Breezy
Or those other guys?

The blame falls on one man
King James, he’s been termed.
And not on Rashard
That was never confirmed.

Now Mo’s on the Clippers
Coach Brown joined the Lakers
Bron’s looking for friends
But there ain’t any takers.

On a golf course in Charlotte
And in memory’s eye
And in the annals in history
Where legacies lie.

We laugh at the summer
And at Bron’s dumb decision
And Jordan smiles, knowing
He’s no competition.

Weinergate

New York’s future mayor
Was befelled by his twitter
His marriage on the rocks
His career in the shitter.
Weiner’s actions were crazy!
He sure wasn’t rational
And now has a new nickname
He is the Hebrew National
Now he’s facing the music
And the calls to resign
And the whispers from Clinton,
Saying “you should see mine.”
Only one thing is certain
And, you see, it is this
That Congressman Weiner
Surely had a hu-bris

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